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sammwiches's journal
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sammwiches' Journal  I finally have a baseball team to call my own, and as a reward for finding my match, my brother handed me my very own baseball jersey. I finally have my own piece of baseball memorabilia to wear when I root on games. sure I wont get to do that till next summer.... and maybe not even then since I'll be in japan, but damnit I'm wearing this thing like there's no tomorrow. Go Seattle Mariners! Go Ichiro Suzuki! sure I'm following the team because he's my favorite player, but he signed a contract to stay with the team till 2032. I'm not going anywhere. also as an afterthought.... should I feel guilty about dating four guys at once? I dont think so since nothing is concrete in any of the relationships, but it's like I feel I should but dont at all. I like being carefree. also dating a real certified ninja rocks. in a wonderful twist of humorous irony, I had lunch with Tony Danza yesterday. He's a really nice guy :D I woke up early.... and had this sudden urge to play the ocarina. Since my room is so well insulated I can scream at the top of my lungs and no one hears a thing, I played for 20 minutes. but it seemed all I could do was play the song of storms. I hope it's raining in vegas as I play this. maybe it will call forth a storm for my father, who cannot be here for all of our rainy weather. it will be late at night, but I know my father will wake up to listen to the thunder. omg someone traded me a turtwig with the pokerus! I'm so freakin lucky! for being someone who hated girly stuff two years back, it feels weird to only have 2 real big baggy shirts left in my clothing inventory. I just got my graduation present today from my aunt (5 years late but always welcome!) which included a 200 dollar shopping spree of whatever the heck I wanted. >.>; I keep wondering if I shouldnt have let all those girls swivel me into clothing stores and such and just spent the money on a new ds, but that will come in time. plus I needed a dress for kenny's wedding, and video games came into the bargain as well. and chick fil-a! today was truly a good day. *tackles cooking mama with a fervor!* oh and someone hurry up and give me a turtwig and a chimchar please. those seem like much needed assets for trading online and I need my damned salamence/vigoroth/absol/trapinch/kirlia/e I have dratinis now ; ; I'm eating shrimp right now for the first time :D Current mood:  crazy.
What can I say? I love green. LOVE it. I have been to 3 freakin national parks, chatted it up with Jerzey, a cute polish guy who has come to america for opportunities in college and thinks I'm awesome >.> too bad I dont live in wyoming. gone on hikes every day, it has felt miraculous to be in a climate with humidity; not bad humidity, but where the air feels... natural. breathing fresh air, and sometimes too fresh (memories of passing giant manure-laden fields come to mind.) and feeling a cool breeze against my skin as we travel across the country. Today I am in Wisconsin, and have been chatting it up with so many people my age... so many biker guys offering me rides :p and girls offering to help me ride a bicycle so we can get me riding before the week is out. everyone is so nice... and it's so beautiful here I really dont want to leave. I might look into apartments in wisconsin or maybe even wyoming... they both have been so uplifting on my spirit. Unfortunately in wyoming there's really no job market unless I go into park service. but being a horse wrangler doesnt sound half bad now that I think about it. I also cant wait to meet back up with elena, she was my sightseeing buddy in yellowstone, and we did everything together, from hikes to horseback riding to boating. Hopefully we get to meet up in minnesota one last time after the rally before I head down to texas. I miss my cat. Well, it's official; In one week and a half I'm gone from this town. I feel this greater pit growing in my stomach as I realize I'm getting closer and closer to the day where I effectively cut off from this town and start anew in some foreign place.... it fills me with a sadness, but also a strong growing hope for new things to come. I find people who I thought were once acquaintances actually turn to being some of my closest friends; people who were always there for me in tough times and always smiled and bought me that extra round of drinks or danced wildly with me on the strip. Others who I saw as my closest now feeling as though distant acquaintances with whom I might never share such a deep connection with again... lost to the ravages of my past. people I will miss sorely with all my heart.... Vickie; my one and only true dearest friend. Our friendship has withstood the boundless destinies we have gone and will continue to do so no matter how far we are. Hotness; with his jubilant laughter and in your face cockiness... and how in one brief moment in time we stood up together and faced the world and said "We are the best. Do your worst!" Tyler; my manager and surprisingly close friend. You have shown me more wisdom and happiness in this world than any person. You have such a strong will to succeed and the determination, if only others would let your gifts shine through. You have always listened to me, and have been there... not as a manager, but as my good friend. You give advice like no other being can, but that's probably attributed to you being a psychology major. Katie for being my drunk tanning buddy, no other explanation needed. David for our brief yet long conversations of gaming, webcomics, and love of anime, you closet anime freak you. Josh for the years of being my friend and admiring him, and putting up with my bad fighting game skills. I really truly liked him and wanted to try for it so badly so many times, and knew nothing could happen even if I wished with all my heart (always thought he was too cool for me anyways.). Paul , my taiko drumming partner of '00-'02, for being someone I could always trust and depend on since I was in my nerdy awkward high school days. If I could remember that nickname I called you in high school I'd probably use it again, but regardless you always had my back. ... even if in the last few months I've felt more alone and friendless than when I first moved here in 1993. I don't know if it's the knowledge of my leaving that makes me concerned that the only people who have shown any emotion about me leaving is Vickie, Tyler, and Katie. Scott as well, but that boy is always emotional. They all have given me tearful hugs on many occasion this week and last...and it saddens me. not even my own brother seems fazed at the fact that I'm leaving and most likely not coming back. I guess he takes solace in the fact I must come back for his wedding. I cant really type how I completely feel, I've never been strong enough to actually publicly lay out my full feelings... I'm scared of a new place... but at the same time I welcome it wholeheartedly. I'm worried for the possible lack of internets and possibly not affording my cell. The lack of funds as I move out there and either sitting around fishing my summer away and atv'ing it up, or trying to find a full time job in the depressed lone star state. Either way, it's something new and in September I will have my trip... not just a trip, but my dream trip. And with it comes all the wonders I could ever imagine. Just gotta have faith. Current mood:  pensive.
I'm pretty happy, as you can tell from recent days. A bit melancholy but I'm perking up. After a trip that went so well after so many past failures (I'm including my anime expo trip in this) I came home relaxed, refreshed, and having a positive outlook on life. Oh, and I also came back having a boyfriend :) just an added bonus. although we tend to talk the majority of the time about video games, but meh. I was staring out of windows and running about in semi forests the entire time I was there, just enjoying life... and I loved it. I did not want to leave, and Daniel knew that. He offered to start looking for apartments for me if I wanted to move down there, and he still is in his time off. ehehe, he even wants to move in with me, which I see as a bit fast for my tastes; but hey, at least he knows what he likes. I've never seen a guy so level headed and sure about himself in where he's going in life, it amazes me a bit. He has so many things planned out in advance, like a pro chess player articulating his moves 15 steps ahead of his opponent. He's finding a secure job for the next few years to build credit, because he wants to purchase a house to be close to family; but not to stay there forever. He's like me, we both want to move over to Japan to work, which he in all possibility can (as long as he learns the language.) I'd be a translator, probably a teacher, and he's looking to be hired as a 3-D animation programmer for any number of video game companies over there. But enough about him and his stuffs I suppose. I'm ready to get going too, and I'm not the only one I know of. I've been ready to leave this town for a while, suppressing my desires and outcries of this for some time before the break-up since I didnt want to well.... heh leave and possibly break up. either way after college I knew I was going to go somewhere, I developed my brother's wanderlust from our days as air force brats. I've been settled in one place too long... much too long, and it's time to go. I may not have a spectacular degree... but I have a college degree, damnit! And that means something. I'm stil gunning for the military, even though as of late I still cant seem to lose any weight no matter how much I excercise... and I have Daniel to support my decision the entire way though. Although I think he just wants to cling on in case I get sent to Japan, heh. I'm uploading my photos of my trip to my photobucket soon, but for now I leave you with this serene? sleepyish scene from my trip. 
Current mood:  satisfied.
well, my mind keeps working overtime, and I might have actually chosen what I want to do. Although it will upset nearly all my friends, I am going to enlist with the airforce either this summer or fall. The military has always been like a second family to me; my parents were both in the airforce, and my grandfather was as well. Whereas my father was backed into a corner trying to find a way to marry my mother and be able to afford to take care of her, I would rather go as a chance to test my capacity. I find myself a generally weak person, who cares about hurting others a bit too much, and can never speak her mind. I tend to hold it in, for fear of upsetting another, and then once I do speak my mind, it seems to backfire. The one thing I have always admired in military personnel is how stoic they are, and how well groomed and trained they were. A model citizen? heh. And I thought of how noble they were to fight and work for something that was of such big importance to a country. Being on military bases as well I remember how kind everyone was, and everyone got along since they were always being transferred. There was barely any hostility between factions and squadrons, because they were all together, they all had the same circumstances. It was like a giant fraternity, and no matter where you went, you always quickly made friends; not just because you moved so constantly, but also because you had so many things in common, and had many stories to share about your travels, your experiences, and your training. I brought this up with my father, the one person I can talk to about anything. He sat in silence for a minute, then took a breath, looked me in the eye, and said, "If you did undergo this, know that I would be proud beyond measure." This left me speechless, and he continued by saying, "Many people dont have the courage it takes to delve into something that's so contractual, and so controversial in these times. I would be proud to know that you would want to try a career that would test your very limits, and strain you under duress. I have had many people, military and out, say to me, 'I dont think either of your children would be up to the boot camp or military; they dont seem strong enough.' And by hearing you say that you would like to test yourself, even if it's just a wondering notion, puts joy in my heart. It puts it there because I know you are a strong woman, and you can face anything thrown at you. Your brother could never join the military, it disturbed him for too long and he got tired of the roaming. But I see a spark in you Jenny that wont let you sit still, and you have a wandering soul." I really just sat there speechless, and could not help but cry, because my father's words made me feel so important, and so loved, that he thought so highly of me, even after all my screwups in college. All I could ay was I did not know if I was strong enough to go through the boot camp, and I did not want to fight in the war, and I was a little bit afraid. He told me the ins and outs of the boot camp, how to "play the game," how I would not be fed to the "sharks", and how to get along and not stand out so you dont get picked on, and what the true ideal behind a boot camp was. how with depending on what area I went into, sch as the airforce, and with me preferring a linguist position with Japanese, I would have a 80% chance of not even being on that side of the continent, rather they would teach me chinese or korean as well as japanese and send me to Asia to work. All of these travel possibilities opened up before my eyes as my father told me They could send me to England, or Russia, or Italy, or even just Hawaii. All of it sounded like heaven to me. My father gave me a hug, and he had tears forming in his eyes as he told me he had always been proud of me, and how far I had come. He approved of my idea of san francisco and japanese majors, and said either choice would make me a fine woman. I thought of how being in the military is just like any regulr job; it's not like going into a monastery and you never see people again, or lose contact with the outside world. You still have the creature comforts, like a tv, and computers, and internet, and my anime and manga. It's just you have to rough it the first few weeks you're there, and once they see you can work well in a team and group, they know you're ready, and they send you where you're needed most. Most likely I'll be sent to Monterey academy to finish learning Japanese and most likely take up Mandarin or Korean.... but it all sounds perfect to me. For once in my life, I feel at peace with a decision...and even if the decision means I might never seen my friends again for the rest of my life, I know inside that I won't stop being friends with them. They had special places in my heart, and nothing can take that place. My father and I had a giant moment that day... it felt like we were closer than ever. and I must say, I love my family. Not many people are as close to their family as I am to mine, I've seen it with a lot of my friends. But now it feels as if we're on the same page, that I have reached being an adult, and even my mother has looked at me with a new sense of respect. The Air Force is just a means to test my own limits and capacity... and possibly to make them bigger. enlarge my capacity, and make me into a stronger and more capable woman. I feel strong already, even knowing how weak I am inside, but this will be a step I will use to show the world just how strong I can be. England, Japan; look out, here I come. Current mood:  determined.
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